Proud Bator Blog – Talking With Friends About It

friends talking on the beach

I know I know I’ve been promising this topic for a while and it’s finally here. Some tips for talking to your friends about bating. In this case, I don’t mean guys you’ve met online in bate spaces, or guys you have a sexual history with. I mean bringing it up with guys already in your social circle.

I’ve mentioned on the podcast quite a few times that with most of my close male friends, I don’t shy away from the fact that I love a good wank. To be honest, it’s one of the key criteria for being in my inner circle. Not necessarily being a bator but at least being open to the information that I am one. It’s something that, over the last few years, I’ve actively worked on being able to bring up, in an open, honest way. That’s the thing that I think now means I can talk about with my mates, and not just my bate mates. 

I’ve brought the subject up with a number of friends, mostly male, and although it’s only resulted in a wank together on one occasion it’s meant that I now have a group of mates with which I don’t have to hide the bator side of my personality. We can joke about porn we’ve watched, check in on each other’s enjoyment of Masturbation May, laugh at the NoFaps and I can even say “Let’s hang out at 5 instead of 4, I wanna get a wank in first.”

Heaps of bators I speak to say to me ‘Oh I wish I could bring it up casually’ and to them, I usually say that it’s not as hard as you might think. But there are a number of things to consider when you do decide to bring it up. 

The first is the purpose behind you bringing it up. I think this affects how you broach the subject but also affects to whom you’re going to be mentioning it. 

If your purpose is to just be able to talk about it more openly then I think that is not as difficult as you might think. Everyone does it. That old joke goes 95% of men masturbate and the other 5% are liars. So bringing it up in a conversation shouldn’t make you a pariah. And I’ve found that it hasn’t. I’ve mentioned in a previous episode that there’s a guy that I play sports with who’ll bring it up. I’ve heard him say, “You know how much I love a solo session” and no one bats an eyelid. He brings it up confidently and honestly. Without shame and without any overly dirty connotations. The first time I met him, the conversation in the group turned to sexual matters, he had no qualms about bringing it up. He said “I spent 5 years in the navy, sharing barracks, you learn to get rid of the shame around it pretty quick when you turn over in your bunk and someone’s going at it next door.”
I think what stops a lot of guys from bringing it up is shame and the fact that’s its still a hidden topic. For that guy, once he’d seen most of his barracks buddies having a wank the shame had no space and no oxygen. It was gone. So now when he brings it up, when he talks about it, there’s no shame underneath it. And that’s the way I do it as well.

If you bring something up with shame bubbling away underneath it, people pick up on that and then it remains this thing that shouldn’t be talked about, this secret topic that should be shut down, because the shame and the guilt are still there. Bring it up confidently and it will be really hard for someone to ridicule you. 

That being said, I think in all cases the softly softly approach is what I would recommend. The reason I have mates who I can safely talk about it with now is because of this approach. I wasn’t just hanging out with them one day and launching into a detailed account of my bating life. I started with little jokes. Little mentions. There are ways to bring it up in a safe way. After all, everyone knows that everyone wanks. Each time you bring it up, gauge their reaction. You’ll quickly be able to tell if they’re open to it or not. Then the next mention can be a little more honest or explicit, or a little more revealing. If they admit something in return then you’re on a winning track in my opinion. But keep in mind that everyone’s level of openness is different. Some might be OK with admitting that they had a wank, and some might not be open to details or more information. So don’t push the boundaries. 

Then, if your purpose is to take it that step further and find a bate buddy, you’ve got to really choose the ones you’re going to take that next step with. You probably can’t just bring it up with anyone in your social circle, even those who don’t mind admitting they had a wank last night. There needs to be a bit of consideration before the bate buddy conversation or suggestion happens. In almost all cases where I have suggested a buddy bate with someone I’m already mates with it’s been after a number of general and safe conversations about the topic. They’re the people who know I love a wank and have an understanding of the difference between wanking and sex. I wouldn’t bring it up with a guy I had never talked to about masturbation, nor would I bring it up with someone who still thinks that a wank is just a second-rate backup for the quote real thing. A guy who loves a wank for its own sake is a great place to start. Someone you know is looking forward to an empty house so they can spend some time with themselves. But again, there needs to be a progression. I wouldn’t just launch into “Hey. Let’s share a Fleshlight Friday night.”
What I usually do is bring up the fact that it’s an activity in which I have partaken. Once they know I love a wank, and they know I’ve done stuff with guys, I’ll include bating with buds on the list of activities. That plants the seed. If they don’t react badly to that, and if you’ve picked the right “target” then they shouldn’t, you can mention how much fun it is. Judge their reaction from there, depending on how they take this revelation you should be able to work out whether or not to drop the topic or continue. When I’ve continued from there it’s been with something like “Well, the offer’s there if you wanna give it a go.” if I think they’re contemplating it or “Come round Friday, I’ll put some porn on.” if they seem actually keen.

Once you’ve worked out who might open to the conversation it’s then about finding the opportunities. I find online chat good for that, text or messenger or something. It’s a good way to ensure it’s a one-on-one chat, that no one else is overhearing. Also, I find that guys are a little more open in this type of setting. Most of the groundwork that I’ve done has taken place online. The thing to watch here is that there’s the opportunity for misinterpretation. Without the key information of tone and body language, your comments could be taken the wrong way. Depending on your intention you may or may not want your groundwork to come across as insinuating the desire for any action to take place. 

Other one on one opportunities are great as well. While you’re going to be confident about bringing the topic up, not everyone wants it to be widely known. I wouldn’t bring it up at the sporting club around some of the lady members for example, or any of the old fuddy duddies. 

Now, I’m going to mention substances but I definitely do not want to encourage this in excess. We know that drinking and other substances are social lubricants. They’ve worked for me in the past. I wanked with a teammate after a particularly large night at the pub on an away game trip. The important part here is the same as when we think about consent in all other areas. If the substance is pushing the line too far you don’t want to push it yourself. There’s only been one occasion where I’ve wanked with a mate for the first when they were drunk and I made sure that the groundwork to ensure this was something they wanted was in place. 

The other ways in which is has aided have been in dropping the inhibitions in regards to conversation. After a couple of drinks lips are a little looser and we’re more free to admit things. If this is the start of the conversation for you though I wouldn’t leave it at that. Bring it up when sober again, with the softly softly approach to let the other guy know that it’s not just something you’re open about when drink gives you an excuse. 

In most cases, where I’ve been able to find someone to talk to about it, I’ve found that their thinking is a little bit similar to mine. They also think that guys shouldn’t be so closed off about it. It should be a more open subject. For most of them, it’s not a topic that they only talk about with me. They’ve all got other mates that they share porn links with, talk about big wank days with and generally casually chat about man’s most common pastime. 

For me, finding someone to bate with has often been the impetus to bring the subject up, but more often than not, and with increasing frequency, the purpose for me is just to be able to talk about it. To open the conversation up. This has two benefits, one it’s helping to remove some of the stigma, which you probably should know is something I’m passionate about, but the other is that I love wanking and I don’t want to have to pretend that I don’t. I think it’s unhealthy to hide who you are, that includes elements of your sexuality. We’re living in an increasingly sex-positive era and I’m keen to include masturbation as part of this positive movement. Opening up conversations is step one to doing that so I encourage you to try it out. See who’s around you that might be looking for a chat about it. Let me know how you go either on the discord server or by hitting me up on the socials.