Welcome to the first episode of the Better Bator Podcast in which I delve into what some of the research says about a certain topic.
The ‘research’ track of the Better Bator podcast is designed to inform, like the history track, but in this case I’ll be looking into the research and science on a certain topic and using that to draw some conclusions that hopefully inform us all but also arm us with some information to help us be better bators.
In this episode I’m getting into some stats and science to make the point that our friends masturbate more than we think they do.
There are two reasons why I chose this topic. The first is because I came across a survey which showed a really interesting stat about the disparity between how many men masturbate and how many men respondents thought masturbated and the other was because of a question in the Discord server.
The Proud Bator Discord server has always been fertile soil for podcast topics, and I aim to continue to address those topics in podcast episodes.
The message that inspired today’s topic came during a discussion about guys talking about it or being open about their masturbation with their wives or partners. In the future I will delve into that topic for sure but it was the last part of the message that lined up with a bit of research I read recently so, for now, I’m focusing on that.
The message was this:
“I wish I had friends I could talk to about it though. I have one that I can sometimes, but he never tells me anything about his or when he does it. Just don’t know how to bring up the subject to be honest.”
This isn’t the first time this topic has been brought up and I don’t think it will be the last. I replied to the message with this:
“We all have friends we can talk to about jerking off. The amount of openness and details varies a little though. In my journey to become a more open bator myself, I’ve brought it up in conversation more and more over the last decade. Not a single one of my mates has responded with ‘ew wtf!’ Or anything similar. Most haven’t engaged in the topic further than my initial joke or off handed comment but it’s opened up opportunities to discuss things further with a couple.
I can almost guarantee that if you’re thinking ‘I wish I didn’t have to keep this a guilty secret’ you have a friend thinking the same.”
Firstly I’d like to apologise that I didn’t really cover the part where the user said he didn’t know how to bring up the subject. I’m going to dedicate a whole episode to that as part of my bator community track.
This ability to talk about masturbation is a deep topic, especially with those who want to embrace more of the bator lifestyle. The more we commit to any activity the more we want to share that, either in action or in conversation. So it’s not surprising how often this topic comes up on the discord and in other bator circles I’ve been a part of.
There are a few things that come up whenever it is broached though. The guilt and shame are a part of it. The forced secrecy that comes with that is in there too. There is also the difficulty in bringing the subject up or at least finding an opening in which to mention it. But there’s another part of it that I want to talk about and this is the part that I think aligns with the research I want to look at.
That part is the perceived secrecy. The fact that there’s this perception that masturbation is something that you do in the privacy of your own room or home and it stays there both in action and in conversation.
I love Tenga, the brand, the products, the two toys I bought in Tokyo and the fact that the toys are on shelves in Tokyo stores next to souvenirs and anime figures. But I’ve recently discovered that from 2016 to 2021 they completed the Self Pleasure survey in which they polled thousands of people around the globe about masturbation; their habits, their toys, their attitudes. It was from their 2018 survey via PRN News that I found the following statistic. “92% of American men masturbate but Americans think only 83% of men do.”
That survey focused on the ideals of traditional masculinity and their effects on men living a healthy sex life, so that stat was part of the series of questions related to men’s ability to talk about their sex life overall. Because it’s Tenga doing the survey, of course they didn’t neglect to include masturbation as part of a healthy sex life, like so many others do.
That stat again reads: “92% of American men masturbate but Americans think only 83% of men do.”
What I take this to mean is that a lot of guys jerk off, but a decent portion of those guys think their mates don’t. It’s an interesting statistic. I’m no researcher or scientist so I won’t go into the idea of self-reporting or that some of Tenga’s questions had a broad definition of ‘regular’ when asking if people masturbate regularly. However, even with those little flaws in the stats that’s a really interesting discrepancy.
This led me to a phenomena known as pluralistic ignorance.
Here’s a rather wordy definition from researcher Janine Ungvarsky: “Pluralistic ignorance is a psychological and sociological phenomenon where individuals mistakenly believe that their private beliefs or opinions differ from those of the majority within their social, political, or occupational group.”
The Decision Lab puts it a little more simply: “Pluralistic ignorance is when we believe that our private views are different from those of the majority.”
Decision Lab goes on to give a couple of examples:
Ungvarsky gives the following examples:
The Classroom Effect: A student is confused by a lecture, but, since no one else is stating their confusion, the student assumes they are the only one not getting and therefore doesn’t raise their concern.
The Toxic Workplace: An employee may accept inappropriate behaviour under the assumption that their colleagues are okay with it, despite others quietly holding the same concerns.
We can see how easily that can become a factor when it comes to discussing masturbation. Most of us grew up being told, either explicitly or implicitly, that masturbation was at worst, something forbidden and sinful or at best, something to be kept to yourself.
Research from Christine Elizabeth Kaestle at Virginia Tech focused on The Role of Masturbation in Healthy Sexual Development: Perceptions of Young Adults. In that research she talks about the lack of sex education related to masturbation in young people’s formative years. She presents the idea of ‘silent families’ stating that “Nearly every participant reported that they had not talked to parents about masturbation.” Leading her to conclude that without any conversation, either in school or at home, most young people develop the idea that masturbation is either something that shouldn’t be done or shouldn’t be talked about.
With this so deeply embedded into our developing view of the world it’s no wonder this topic suffers from the full force of pluralistic ignorance.
The effect of this silence and the ignorance in combination is significant when it comes to our ability to bring masturbation up in conversation. I’m sure we have all sat in classes or workplaces where we felt unable to speak up against something we think everyone else is okay with. That’s dialled up considerably when it’s a topic that is often so ingrained as a taboo one or one on which we should be silent.
As any psychologist will tell you, it can take years to overcome the patterns we develop in our youth. The pathways our brain creates as it is growing through adolescence are some of the most well worn and it takes some hard work to redirect our thinking.
Another factor combines with pluralistic ignorance when it comes to collecting survey data, particularly self-reported survey data. A 2025 study from Saarland University discusses the need for researchers to examine the effectiveness of using self-reporting as a way to gather data related to sensitive topics, particularly sexual motivation. They state that “Because of the sensitive nature of sexuality, researchers
must be concerned that people’s responses will be systematically biased by their perceptions of what society considers appropriate, ethical, and desirable.” This is an example of social desirability bias, where people are biased toward that society deems desirable and acceptable. Even in anonymous, self-reported surveys research has found that people are likely to report lower recency and frequency of masturbation due to both pluralistic ignorance and this desirability bias.
So when Tenga says that 97% of male respondents have tried masturbation in their lifetime, that’s a pretty high percentage that we can get around. But when this 2022 US-based study states that “approximately 60% of men reported engaging in masturbation in the prior month” or this 2025 British study states that about 77.5% of men say they’ve masturbated in the past month, we have to question how these two biases might have affected people’s responses. And we might assume that those percentages are actually higher.
I realise I may have gotten a little into the weeds on the research here but I did warn you that this was a research-focused episode. Nevertheless, the purpose of presenting all of those statistics and all of that research to you is to say back up my response in the Discord server “I can almost guarantee that if you’re thinking ‘I wish I didn’t have to keep this a guilty secret’ you have a friend thinking the same.” At the very least the research shows that more guys are jerking off more regularly than you might think they are. And some of those guys are your friends.
Anecdotally, from my experience in chatting with guys about masturbation, even in a lighter way, I can say that it’s much higher than even the 77% of British respondents. I only know two guys who “don’t do it”. One is because he is getting regular partnered sex and prefers that to a solo session, but he definitely tried it and did it in his younger days. The other doesn’t do it because despite all of his efforts, and a little coaching from me, he has found it nearly impossible to achieve orgasm from his own stimulation. Outside of that, I think I can safely say that every guy I know has tried it and every guy I have spoken to about it would be at it at least once a month. So rest assured listeners, that despite any thoughts we have to the contrary, our mates are wanking.
To come back to the message and the topic that started me down the research rabbit hole. “I wish I had guys to talk to about it”. I hope that this research gives you some hard and true data to have in mind when you think about broaching the subject. Hopefully it helps you realise that there is a very high chance that the friend you hope to discuss it with has participated in the activity and, with such a high percentage of men actively doing it, that there is little shame in bringing it up. Next episode I’m going to expand on some strategies to hopefully help you in bringing it up so tath you can find some buddies to chat to about your favourite activity. With any luck you may find a mate who shares the same keen interest.
Let me know what you thought of this episode. I know it’s a little different to those I’ve done in the past, particularly on the Proud Bator stream. It’s probably not one that you were bating along to like some of the others.
I enjoyed getting into the research and going a little deeper and I hope to bring you some more information and data on key bator related topics. If there’s a particular topic you’d like to hear about, please get in touch in the Discord server or contact me through my website, links in the episode description.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Better Bator Podcast. Don’t forget you can leave a rating and review and share your favourite episode with a bate buddy. Until next time, Happy Bating.